It’s the first day of the New Year and with it, early morning, came a couple of major ‘aha’s’.
I suddenly had a deep, physical knowing that whenever my father yells verbal abuse at me, he’s actually telling me how much he is hurting inside.
I’ve known this for a long time, understood it and so forth, but to have that Full. Cellular. Physical. Knowing. Is truly something else!
My body feels lighter and I can feel that it’s adjusting to release something else. Bring it on!
Gently please! 😉
I was in the kitchen making myself a cup of coffee and my father was standing on the back porch, his back to me, having a good ole sticky beak at whatever the neighbours were doing. He had shuffled to the side to peer around the corner. Gosh, he was reminding me of my mother.
He was dressed in navy and had his hands on his hips and I suddenly saw elderly Superman.
My father had a hard upbringing. He married a woman when every instinct was screaming at him not to. He found out quickly why he had that instinct. He chose to make it work the only way he knew how. That was to yell verbal abuse at her until she understood how to be a wife.
Don’t judge my father. I’ve done enough of that myself.
They went on to have 2 children and he found out that made things worse. His wife didn’t really want children and had no time for them.
He did the best he knew how, to support her and his children as well as continue working.
Life continued to disappoint him and that left him frustrated and not knowing what to do about it. He became angrier as the years passed.
He and my mother settled into a routine, but even that was proving challenging as it was becoming ever more clear why his instinct had told him not to marry her. He has had to watch his wife go into aged care, she rejects him and her children. His daughter moved home and he doesn’t know how to turn her into what he wants, in order to make his life easier.
He has no awareness that she sees everything about him. His pain, his frustration, how he is not grasping life, how he’s rejecting the flow of life, how he’s not moving forward. He doesn’t understand her and doesn’t know how. He’s frightened of what she knows so he’s rude to her to shut her up. He has understanding that she’s supporting him and keeping him active. He’s proud of his independence, but resents his daughter for it at the same time.
This is my father and I have the deepest compassion for him. He is Superman in retirement. Crotchety, angry, frustrated, frightened, and he has every right to be.
He came inside and I told him his red jocks should be on the outside and to get his cape out. Superman is in retirement. I could hear him chuckling away in the next room, he liked that.