Child-within

From my early teens I dreamt of leaving my family and never coming back. I would beat myself up for not having the courage to do so.

In my late teens and into my early 20’s, I had friends who had done exactly what I had long dreamed of doing. This only made me denigrate myself more for not having the courage to do the same. There was a change brewing, though. I began to ask myself why I didn’t leave.

Over the decades I continued to kick and condemn myself for not finding the courage to leave them. Even though I had moved out of home and had a partner. I still wanted out from my core family.

Interesting how I ended up moving back home, not once, not twice, but now three times.

Life was trying to tell me something. I was trying to tell me something, but I wasn’t able to interpret the signs.

I was 40 when I became so frantic with stress from having spent 30mins with my parents, that I took action. I went back and picked up my puppy, whom they were kindly looking after while I had things to do, and left. I didn’t return for almost 2yrs.

I simply stopped contact. They began to email and I would reply that I needed space from them to sort myself out. Not to call, I would not answer the phone. Don’t visit, the gate will be locked. Email, don’t worry if I don’t reply, I will periodically.

After a year I began to receive abusive emails from my mother. My father sent me the occasional email asking what they had done to cause this. I never once accused them of anything. I took responsibility for my actions and decisions. My reply was to reassure them that this was about me, I would repeat that I needed space and was doing well with that, and that I would be back when I was ready.

That was the beginning of my healing resulting from taking responsibility for my life. The space enabled me to begin seeing why I needed it.  I had been caught in a web that I saw as a whirlpool spinning around. At the edge was each member of my family and we were in a loop that needed breaking. I understood that I was trying to heal myself and wasn’t quite on the correct road, because each time I returned to visit, I got sucked right into that whirlpool. It had been effecting my health and my relationship with my partner. I was now outside of it, looking in and seeing much. The question was; what do I do, so that I can return and not go insane?

I was guided to Expansions and Stewart Swerdlow. I ordered many books and devoured them! I cried reading Blue Blood True Blood. I didn’t understand it all, but I knew I had finally found someone who understood me.

I needed to talk to Stewart. And I did.

He listened to me with compassion and then told me that I needed to return to my family.

Oh.

No.

Why?

His answer was pure logic that I could not ignore. I would never know if I was healed or not, until I could stand in the presence of my family and not be triggered.

Truth.

So, how do I do that?

Stewart asked me if I was doing the Child-within visualisation. Yes. 

How many times?

Oh.

He told me to do it 3 times a day.

I did it 4 times a day.

Guess what happened?!

Two months later, I picked up the phone and called my parents.

Six weeks later I visited my father and saw my mother walking along the street, so I stopped to say hello.

Two years later I was back living with my parents.

It’s now just my father and I. It has not been easy. For either of us.

Guess what?

It’s getting better. I AM healing. 

This is how I started and became qualified to teach Expansions techniques.  I have compassion from my past, which I now have for you.